Picture of Allie

I was looking at this picture of Allie after she graduated from high school, on her way to Europe. She still looked so young. When she got back from Europe a whole new world opened up for her. Then she went to college and her style, tastes, health, all changed for the better. Allie has always stood for what she believed in, but now there is this confidence that backs how she feels. In one year she grew up into this wonderful young woman. I got her surgery schedule and appointments. The worry for my daughter is always there. I worry that her future will be interrupted by cancer. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that it is not and that she lives the life she has always dreamed of. She wants to be a surgeon, I am certain this experience will make her a better one. God gives you what you can handle. I believe that. He puts you on a path to learn from so you can make a difference. Allie has a great future ahead of her. I am certain she will use this for the better of others.

I have a friend that told me this blog is dramatic. He is so right. I don't know what to do with the feelings of fear, sadness, the unknown and most importantly the powerful way I am dealing with creating this cancer to be gone. It all lives inside of me at the same time. I am a doer so writing helps me get out the negative and create the positive. I have had stuff in my life and the way I handled it was taking charge of it to make sure it went the right way. That is what I am doing here—taking charge of the cancer to make sure it does not take over her life and is completely gone. Any parent would do the same. We love our kids and we feel for them in a way that when we were younger we never thought we could. A parent's love can not be described in words; it lives in our hearts and makes us strong for our children.

The Zoo

Today Allie and I went to the Detroit Zoo. We walked around and tried to see the animals. The problem was that they were all asleep from the heat! It was fun and something we have not done in years. We then went to Birmingham and walked around. We bought sun dresses for our Florida trip. Every minute counts with both my girls now. My phone rang with clients that needed things. I got tons of emails on my Blackberry. Normally I would be on the phone but today I did not return calls until 9:30 tonight. I wanted this time with Allie.

We talked about chemotherapy. God forbid. I hope and pray it does not come to that. She told me she would not do it. I then got in a Mom mode and told her I would basically make her do it. Not a good way to approach this conversation. I am hoping it is a conversation we never have to have again. I pray every morning and night she will be cancer free by July 17th, 2009. I tell Allie to think of the cancer leaving her body.

My life is on hold till we get through this. I was ready to fall in love and commit this time. I wanted that for myself. I am going to be turning 50 and I am simply ready to be partners and share my life with a person that is right for me and I for him. I work hard on my mental and physical self so that I can love others and receive love as well. The receiving part I have never been as ready for as I am now. Allie's illness has taught me that life is too short and about what a roller coaster ride it can be. You have to live every second honestly.

Meeting the surgeon Dr Chan

We went back to the U of M Cancer Center today to meet the surgeon, Dr. Chan. He had no bedside manner but was a knowledgeable surgeon and someone I can trust my daughter's life with. He told me there is a only a 10 percent chance of it being in her lymph nodes. I know 10 percent is hardly anything but I wish he had said zero chance. Dr. Chan was straight forward and told Allie what the scar would look like. Instead of her having two surgeries by two different doctors, he is going to do it all in one surgery on July 17th. I was relieved. Then the following Thursday we will have the results of the lymph node study. Allie had a concern about the scar and I did too but he was all about making sure the cancer is gone and that was it. Allie liked his manner and said she would be the same kind of doctor. I am certain she liked how he just got to the point. That is my Allie—always getting right to the point. So, we are going to spend the next few weeks before surgery doing some fun things. The zoo is on the agenda for this Saturday. I asked my oldest daughter Hayley to come with us too. It will be fun to walk and around the zoo with my girls that are older now. When I was married to Philip we used to laugh that we would go to the Detroit Zoo and there were hardly any animals. I will do whatever it takes to get Allie healthy and cancer free.

Allie's Art Work

Today Allie gave me a picture she made for me while doing art with the campers where she is a camp counselor. It said; “I love you Mommy,” just like when she was a little girl. I just loved it. I will keep for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow is her first appointment with the surgical oncologist. I never thought I would be meeting with this type of doctor for my daughter. Now I placed her life in his hands. I looked up his bio and he I am confident he will get all the cancer. Dr. Chan is an experienced doctor who also does research. I get it will be fine.

I keep thinking about what is important. My house is where the kids come to sit around my kitchen table. They eat me out of house and home! I would not have it any other way :-) Her best friend Caitlyn is a staple at our house. I take her to breakfast and the girls tell me about boys, school, etc. I am blessed with a great career, but it is those moments that make life so sweet and wonderful.

Two Letters

Today when I got home from work I and got two letters from University of Michigan cancer center about Allie's appointments. One a surgery and one her first meeting with her surgical oncologist. I kept the letters in the car. The cat had pooped in her bed and she was not pleased! (16 year old cat that forgot old age) Got home, washed the sheets and did not say a word about the letters. Instead, we talked about how much fun she had as a camp counselor for a special needs child. I did not once talk about work. Normally I would be at work until late. Instead, I came home, ate dinner and had a great conversation with Allie.

I planned all the dinners for our Disney Trip: French, Italian, sea food, etc... I was worried we would have to cancel. I have decided this will be good for Allie's healing process and we will plan everything around this if we need to. It is my full intention she is cancer free by August 1, 2009.

I have focused so much on the wrong things. What is important is to be in the moment. This is a hard way to learn it but I am glad I am learning it.

Today...

I asked Allie; "How come she is not dealing with the cancer?" She said; "I am dealing with it in my own way." I actually wish I could be more like her; so calm about it. I find myself crying when I am alone. If I am in the gym I will just break down in tears. The gym has always been a place for me to to get it all out. My family and friends tell me these terrifying stories of melanoma. I know they are trying to help because they always have a happy ending. They really don't help though; they scare me more.

Allie is so tired from working two jobs and going to summer school. She studied most of the day today. I wish I could get her to rest more. I want her to take it easy so her system can heal. Honestly, I am like her I would be racing around doing everything too. We are not quitters and to a fault she has that from me.

Saturday night I convinced Allie to take this long walk with me to Dairy Queen. It was horrible! Our feet hurt and it took us two hours from start to finish. Another Mom moment with my baby.

Hard Day

Today Dr Schwartz from the University of Michigan cancer center gave me the news on the other biopsy. The melanoma was deeper and now she needs to go to a surgical oncologist and have a lymph node biopsy. I just cried. The Doctor doesn't think it went into her lymph nodes. I pray so hard for that. She is 19 and the depth of the melanoma warrants a test biopsy on the lymph nodes. The surgery on her breast and lymph node biopsy will be done at once. Then she has three other places they are removing another day to test for cancer. I pray they are not cancerous. I literally have to take this one minute at a time. Sometimes it is so overwhelming I feel short of breath. I stand still in time with such sadness. On the other hand I know how to fight and get through things. I have done it all my life. I have taught my girls to never give up. They don't quit. I am certain Allie will do whatever it takes to make herself cancer free. She already stopped drinking diet pop and talked to me about eating more organic.

I am creating Allie being cancer free by August 1, 2009 and celebrating at Disney World!

Allie and I Girl's Trip

Today I booked a trip for Allie and I to Disney World. We are going to have so much fun! Five nights just running around the parks. I hardly ever leave my work for a vacation. Time just passes by. This will be a special time for Allie and I. I then called my oldest up Hayley and asked if she wants to do a girls' trip to Las Vegas. She is 22 and we need that time together. Hayley is grown up and getting on her own. It will be nice to spend that special time with her.

I had a bad dream, a horrible dream a couple nights ago. I am so stressed waiting and waiting. I just want to get on with it. Get the surgery and move on. I want them to tell my daughter (which I fully intend they will), "Allie you are cancer free." I will then take her to her favorite restaurant and celebrate and celebrate and call my whole family and friends to tell them. How I want that and How I want that now.

cancer has taught me about my own life. I live mostly alone, rushing around being the best at my company. I don't spend a whole lot of time on my personal life. I am alone and yet I don't want to be, but do nothing much to change it. In seconds cancer puts everything in perspective. Your kid has this and all that is important is her life and life in general. Everything falls short of Allie living cancer free and having a great, amazing life (or rather, both of my girls living a great, amazing life.) Like I stated before; I won't capitalize cancer. It won't be a powerful force in my daughter's life or as her Mom in mine. I will acknowledge that it awoke me to my life and how I want so many people in it.

Allie is about to come home from her Calculus summer class. I can't wait to discuss and plan our Disney Trip...

Enjoying Life

I spent the weekend with my daughter. Every second counts. We took the dogs to the Bark Park, talked about going to Disney World and laughed at how I ate a whole Apple Pancake by myself! It was a fun weekend. I can't wait till this cancer thing is over and we can just move on. We are still waiting on the rest of the biopsy. Another couple of days. I keep praying there is no cancer in the part that was taken for a biopsy. I usually work till 10 but I didn't feel like it, I just wanted to hang out and do nothing much. Allie and I decided we are going to stop shopping as much and do other things like movies, walking places, etc... cancer has forced me to stop and just have a good time. I got too much into work and everything was in the shadows of my career. You have this child with cancer and it wakes you up to your life and what is so important. I love my girls, family and friends.

Every Moment Matters

I was thinking about Allie today when she walked in from her summer school class. I was so happy to see her! I have learned that every moment matters. I forgot that - it got lost in my busy life. It is the same with my oldest daughter Hayley. If there is one good thing that has come from this cancer scare it is that it has made me stop my busy life and enjoy what is important: my two daughters. I sat with Hayley and coached her on her new career. Allie and I just laughed at the burnt grilled cheese she made. I have missed so many of those moments because my career has been so overwhelming. Now life has shaken me a little and I get it.

Our First Appointment

Today was Allie's first appointment at University of Michigan's cancer Center. When you walk off the elevator the first thing you notice is people in wheel chairs. This is not where I thought my baby would ever be. It is a kind place. Doctors come out to greet you. The resident and the doctor were so caring to Allie. Allie asked, "What if you find something on my head? I don't want a missing patch of hair." The nurse replied; "Either you won't be here or you will have a patch of hair missing.". It was truthful and I respected her for not sugar-coating it. So I feel more in control because I now know we are on a path to her wellness.

Tomorrow is appointment day

Tomorrow we start the cancer process at the University of Michigan cancer Center. I won't capitalize the word because I won't give it power.

Appointment time is getting closer

Wednesday June 10, 2009 is our first appointment at the Cancer Center at University of Michigan. The unknown scares me. I am creating that everything will be fine. I lay in bed with her and we cuddled, just like when she was a little girl. I feel like there is sadness covering my whole body like a film. Don't get me wrong, I am not a quitter and I am a creator of positive things. I don't want to deal with this. I want to create something that is powerful, positive and at the end of this we can say, "She is cancer free."

Today With my Daughter

I was in the gym and I was talking to a Doctor about my daughter's cancer and I started to cry. I broke down in front of a person I hardly knew. When I got to the car I just cried and called my sister and my best friend. I look at my daughter and I am so worried. Every second is precious now. My words to her now are, "Did you put your sunscreen on?". Wednesday is her first appointment. I will try not to cry when I talk to the doctors. You have a child and the love for that child goes beyond any words that can describe it. I love both my girls with everything I have inside of my heart. Now my baby is with cancer and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she lives a life of happiness and love. I will do what ever it takes to make sure she beats this. I am praying to God it is contained and that with surgery they can get it and she can be done with it. Please pray with me. So here I am blogging because I need somewhere to get it all out. As parents we only want the best for our children. As a mother I blame myself that maybe I could have put more sunscreen on her when she was little or listened to her when she said she had this "Funny thing" growing on her. I am so happy she took it upon herself to go to the doctor. She said today "I just knew it was something". She was born 4 pounds 9 ounces of will. I love her and I keep thinking of all the fun times we had and will have together.

Finding out that my daughter has skin cancer

You never want to hear the words Malignant Melanoma, especially when they are talking about your child. Allie is 19 year old pre-med major at University of Michigan. Now she is about to go for her first visit (on June 10th) to the Cancer Center at the University of Michigan Hospital. She is my baby. I look at other little girls and remember when she was small. I am a successful woman who gets through anything. I am having a tuff time with this. There is a 99% cure rate if we caught it all and I really hope we did! So here I am - a beginner blogger getting it all out. I thought maybe just maybe I can make a difference in this area. I intend to speak out about tanning and the effects it has on your body. I now follow my Allie around with sunblock and drive her crazy about putting it on! I look at Allie differently now. Every second counts. We had a girls' day today where we shopped and got our nails done. We took the dogs to the dog park. Every day counts... So if you are a parent, go over to your child and give them a big hug and kiss...